"When we change, people around us will react. Some people  will be proud of us and happy for us, and gladly support us in our lifestyle change, weight loss and new physique or outlook, while others may react in a way that leaves us feeling angry, sad, and unsupported."

Some people in our lives may actually try to sabotage our success, whether directly or indirectly. Or… we feel them pulling away, inviting others out to dinner and not us. Not sharing the way they once did. Here are some of the common ways others can react negatively to our success:

1. Making unsolicited comments about how we look:”you look to thin, you look unhealthy, you need to stop losing weight, you’re looking old, wrinkly, saggy”

2. Making unsolicited comments about our lifestyle and behavior choices that leave us in defensive mode. “All of that protein isn’t good for you, see I told you that surgery wouldn’t work, you just need to … eat less, move more, lower your fat intake, eat more salads…”

3. Making comments about themselves that tell us they don’t approve or don’t need the level of commitment to a healthy lifestyle as we do. “I don’t need to be so extreme..If I wanted to, I could. I don’t want to. I like to enjoy everything in moderation. I’d rather be happy than skinny…”

4. Outright sabotage attempts such as bringing you food or drinks you won’t eat, inviting you to/choosing restaurants that are not appropriate for your current lifestyle. 

So, you are aware of the person making you uncomfortable in any of the above ways. The next step is to analyze the relationship. Is this a relationship or person that served the old you and simply doesn’t align with the new you and is someone you are willing to step away or back from. As I call it, put them on the shelf. As in, maybe you don’t need to tell them “I don’t want to be friends anymore” but you put them up on the shelf out of reach only to be taken down from time to time. 

There are plenty of people who we were attracted to because of an attribute that DID align with the old version of ourselves. Maybe they were a foodie and loved eating out, which gave us an excuse to do the same. Maybe they complained all of the time, which made us feel better about our lives. Maybe they were heavier and that made us feel better about our size. AND maybe it’s appropriate to ask ourselves if we still “need this person” close to us. 

The analysis is quite different when it’s someone you can’t or don’t want to “put on the shelf”. A parent, partner, child. This is going to require a crucial conversation. It’s important to be able to disconnect from taking their behavior personally before having the conversation, however so that you come into it in a loving manner and not a defensive one. 

To do this, you will have to acknowledge that THEIR behavior likely has nothing to DO with you, and is actually the protection about how your new happiness, body, lifestyle makes them feel about THEMSELVES. Imagine that you are a mirror and everything negative they say or do is reflecting right back on them. It’s very likely that the impetus for their behavior is their POOR feelings and insecurities about themselves. YOU doing well means that they are NOT. They are faced with those feelings and so they feel better by lashing out passively or aggressively at you. 

Transformation requires a lot of tools, right? Tools of self belief, of finding replacements for behaviors or ways of thinking that didn’t serve us into ones that are more in line with who we are becoming. It takes a lot of work to develop those tools, right? Many people have an empty or very selective toolbox and they are not working with much when it comes to how to handle their insecurities or resentments. So we can give grace and love for someone who is struggling with their own issues and a lack of tools. 

AND we do need to be honest with them about how their energy, behavior, and comments are affecting us. Because otherwise we are keeping secrets. They say in AA that secrets keep us sick. So, yeah.. resentments and secrets towards someone we love WILL cause us to resort to old coping skills (helllo emotional eating!) instead of our newfound empowerment of awareness and action!!

AND hopefully the conversation when had with love is received with the same love. And if not, you may need to make IF’s, THAN’s with the person. 

"IF you can’t stop making comments THAN I will no longer engage with you." 

That is setting boundaries and making your needs known and respected. No, it’s not easy at first. But with practice it gets easier. I recommend you have these conversations with friends and acquaintances before having bigger conversations with those closest to you. Use others as practice, skill building, confidence boosting. To gain that feeling of confidence that comes from “ that went better than I thought it would” 

Ultimately, hopefully we will be growing, improving, evolving for the rest of our lives. SO, it is important to develop the skills to allow yourself to do that, and teach those closest to you that you are strong and have boundaries that should be respected. 

YOU deserve respect. You are in a phase of self growth. You WANT to take people with you. But you can accept that not everyone is interested in growing with you. Or growing right now. 

Because as women and especially as women with people pleasing tendencies, we often look to “make it better”. This means we will naturally sacrifice our wants, needs and beliefs in order to make other people feel comfortable. To keep the peace. 

We can live in the in between. Be pleasing when it serves us and set boundaries when it doesn’t! 

My final thought and question is: are any of your relationships in need of shelving or crucial conversations so that you can let go of resentments or tension in your life to allow more freedom and joy?